One of the biggest spiritual struggles I have faced has been self-rejection. The enemy has used circumstances in my life to basically get me to kill myself, but God always receives the glory.
My mother was never the greatest shower of love. She is not an affectionate person whatsoever. She also has a temper. She probably needed anger management classes come to think of it. Anyway, her way of treating me caused me to be depressed most of my childhood and into my first two years of college. She adopted me, which was the funny/confusing part of it all, because I never understood how she wanted a child and could be so mean. I don’t think I’ll ever understand it. Regardless, because she didn’t show me much love, I never learned how to show myself love. I felt like a constant failure in her eyes. I was raised that hard work and over achievement was more important than caring for yourself. I was raised that good wasn’t good enough. I was raised that my best wasn’t good enough, that I had to be thebest. And of course, I never was. I was slightly above average. You know, B+/A- kind of student. And, I always involved myself in a ton of activities. At first, it was because I felt like that’s what I had to do. But then it became a mechanism of hiding from myself. Hiding from my pain (both physical and emotional) and hiding from my mother. The more time I could be away from her, the better. But even then, I still wanted her approval in all of those things. Every now and then I would get it, but most of the time, not so much. Then, when I enjoyed the activities I was involved in (tennis, theatre, band, speech) she resented me even more. She tried to take them away from me. She put me on restrictions I didn’t deserve just to keep me from being happy in my activities. In her eyes, they weren’t going to get me anywhere and they weren’t raising my grades or getting me scholarship money.
So for all of those years, I rejected myself to be perfect. I didn’t care about how I felt. I didn’t listen to my body or my spirit. I over worked and under slept myself. And, I harmed myself. I spent years punishing myself for the imperfection I thought I was.
But, God’s love is like fire. He woke me up. And He showed me who He has called me to be. He’s had to show me thru a lot of lessons for me to understand, and I’m still learning. I wasn’t just delivered over night. It has been a deliverance battle. A beautiful battle that I would gladly fight again just to know The Lord.
My latest lesson has been about how to care for myself. It is a lesson I have been learning for about a year now. Learning to love myself and care for myself. I have a lot of health problems. Chronic headaches and dizzy spells. A horrible back that resulted from an untreated injury and a pre-existing birth defect. And burning/weakening leg pains that result from that same birth defect. I just found out what most of diagnoses are except for my headaches and dizziness. For a while I had been wondering why The Lord won’t just heal me. What was I doing wrong? I’ve seen Him heal people miraculously. Why not me? Guess what He told me. He’s teaching me how to take care of me. How important it is to only do what I can handle, listen to myself, go to the necessary doctor’s appointments, etc. And while I wish I could just stop being in pain, I am so thankful for this lesson and I can’t wait to have my breakthrough. To share my testimony. It’s already forming. It’s just not done yet.
Pray for me. The days are long and hard. My work shifts are gruesome at times because of how much pain I am in. But I wouldn’t take it back for anything, because this battle is bringing me closer to God every single day.
And that’s all I’ve ever wanted.