God beams with joy about me.

This pas Sunday, the Father gave me amazing revelation that I’ve been needing and seeking for a while now.  Where should I start? Well, let’s be honest.  I’ve been going through a lot lately, and I’ve been in a waiting season where God has me faithfully waiting for Him to make His move when His time is right.  And that is totally fine.  I love my Father and my faith is unwavering.  I know that He has major plans for my breakthrough soon. Of course, that doesn’t always take away from some of the human emotions that might be felt in the midst of a storm, or, even deeper, the thoughts the enemy will try to get you to have about your situation(s).  A constant pursuit of Christ; however, will bring joy regardless of those thoughts and emotions.  I would say, that my joy has been on point lately. But, my emotions have been all over the place, and I guess I have been trying to figure out why.  Well, here’s why.

The struggles that are at the forefront of my life right now (physical health, getting a new job, finances) are emotionally distracting me from the deeper problems that are present as well.  That probably sounds weird, but let’s just say there are emotional/spiritual struggles I didn’t even know I was dealing with this entire time, but they have been affecting me and affecting how I react to the struggles I have been very aware of. One of those, is a battle of self-hatred that I have been dealing with my entire life.  This is a wall (or several walls) that God has been trying to break down for years.  I was listening to a worship song called “Spirit Breakout” by Kim Walker-Smith that talks about Holy Spirit coming to break our walls down, when Holy Spirit revealed to me that this was a huge wall that I needed to let Him break down.  I definitely thought I was mostly done with self-hatred, but God showed me this weekend that I still don’t think highly of myself, like, ever. BUT, He also showed me how I can finally get through this struggle.

God delights in me. (And you, too!)  He beams with joy at the thought of me.  He made me in His image and likeness, which means that the way I am, in His eyes, is already perfect. My constant self-harming, nit-picky, self-comparing thoughts about how imperfect I am are only acts of the enemy.  Especially since I have given my life to Christ and have been determined to serve His Kingdom every day, I know Daddy God is especially proud of me.  And He cares so deeply about me.  How beautiful, right?

So, now I just have to remind myself of this every day to start to fight the enemy in this self-hatred battle.  It has to be more than an internal thought reminder, though.  It has to be spoken aloud and declared, because the power of life and death is in the tongue.

Psalm 18:19 “He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.”

{ Day 187 }.

This is what I devote my life to everyday. I surrender to You, God. I am available. A vessel and solider in your army. Forever.

Rivers of Hope

I will give you shepherds according to My heart, who will feed you with knowledge and understanding. —Jeremiah 3:15, NKJV

After God gives a beckoning call to return to Him because He is married to us, inviting us to come near to Him in confident love and wholeheartedness, He then, in effect, says, “I am going to raise up men and women who will experience the spiritual reality of God’s heart as a Bridegroom God. That revelation will flow like a river on the inside of those shepherds, and they will live in the mighty power of this revelation. Then they will feed the church from it.” The Lord is now raising up men and women after His heart, like David, and He will give them as a gift to the backslidden church to win her back to wholeheartedness. They will speak it with deep, undeniable revelation and…

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Fallen.

I’m so emotional today. Like…I feel like I’m oddly emotional. Like I’m going thru something I don’t really know I’m going thru. Maybe it will come to me in a dream.

Recently, well, just always, my pain is..unbearable. I don’t know if that’s the right word. Because I do end up bearing it every day with the amazing strength of The Lord. It’s like I honestly don’t know how I do it. Even sitting here. How am I doing this? How am I writing this down? My head hurts and my leg is definitely doing its burning/aching thing. No matter where I turn or what I do, my back will always hurt. It gets in the way of the freedom of my happiness. The freedom to do the things I want to do. Like play tennis, run, even the way I fool around with my boyfriend. I can’t do any of these things. Which, to me, is ridiculous because it hurts even when I’m staying still so what the heck is the difference?

I don’t know what’s worse. The pain I go to bed in or the pain I wake up in. This morning…and the whole day it’s been horrible. But I’ve felt horrible about being upset about the pain, because today I found out that another HU student passed away. Which was odd because I had a mini dream about ten minutes before finding out about my friend Alonzo who was killed a year and a half ago. All due to gun violence. And even tho I didn’t know him my heart is just so heavy because I’m so tired of violence killing such innocent and amazing people. My God sister, Alonzo, other fellow Howard students and people in the black community. I mean, when will it ever end?! It’s just so horrible.

So many emotions. Guilty, for complaining about pain when I’m just so blessed to be alive. Saddened for people affected by losing loved ones to violence, grieving for Brittany and Zo, so in love with The Lord and eager to serve Him more and more.

I honestly want to cry. So so much. But I guess I feel like that would be stupid? Annoying? Negative? I don’t know.

Love from different places.

Image

Tonight I had a long talk with that beautiful man in the picture. The one up there. He held me tight and comforted me as I balled my eyes out about my mother. Lately I have realized that I am still incredibly hurt from the relationship that I have with her. I guess I thought it was behind me, but in realty, I was just holding it in. Well, it all finally came out tonight. I’ll go into details about the relationship I have with her in another post.

All I have to say right now is that I am so blessed and beyond happy that God brought this man into my life. He has provided me with more love than I could ever imagine, and it makes up for the lack of love I was shown throughout my childhood, and then some. He is my partner in Christ, my lover, my best friend. I know there is nothing I can do right now to change the situation I am in with my mother. I can’t change her. I can just pray for her. And continue to pray for myself and my ability to forgive her. But if there is anything God has shown me tonight, its that He is so in love with me and cares so deeply about my needs and desires that He wanted to send someone to me to love me ten fold of what I ever expected from someone. He never wanted me to question whether someone loved me again. Now I know that I am always loved by God, and by the love of my life, and that’s more than I could ever ask for. ❤