So why am I not doing it?
I have been in a very frustrated state lately. And I know part of that frustration is with God. Slightly. I don’t want to admit it. I feel extremely bad being frustrated with Him. Like I’m a bad daughter. And its not that my faith has gone anywhere. My belief in that I know He’s got something great coming. That the prosperous future He’s promised me hasn’t gone anywhere. Or that He has a plan to supply me with the money I need to pay back my student loans and get my health in order. How? I don’t know. And I know I’m not supposed to know…how. I know I’m just supposed to sit back and enjoy the ride until He makes a move. But…its this waiting game. Its driving me crazy. Driving me to greater frustration. Not knowing what His plans are, what way He wants me to go, and what He wants me to do to get there. Its…agggghhhhh. I don’t want to be that guy that complained about God not saving Him when He was drowning and then three boats pass and he says that God will save Him, and that was Gods way of saving him, but He missed it. That’s how I feel. Like I’m missing something. I’m missing what God is telling me, and if I was just better at hearing exactly what I was supposed to do, then all of my troubles would be over.
I honestly don’t know. But here’s what I do know. I know I need to get my act together. And by that I mean I need to stop being jealous of other people when God blesses them. I need to be happy for them and then use their testimony to encourage me that God is real and that He will bless me right on time, whenever His timing says so. I feel like I’m hindering that with my jealous/frustrated feelings. I feel like He’s gonna sit there and wait for me to be completely and selflessly joyful in my situation the way it is, before He moves.
So…if I know this. Why is it so difficult for me to change my actions? Why don’t I just get it together?