What an interesting season this has been! I’ve started to realize I am only updating this blog about once a month or so, because that’s when God has shown me something or shared something with me that is worth talking about. The in-between time is my discovery part of the journey where I am really lost and confused, yet following Him still, and waiting or Him to show me what is next.
I know that in my last post I talked about feeling like I was in a rut. I continued to feel that way for quite some time, and to be honest, in the physical earthly sense, not much has changed. I still work the same job, my health still isn’t doing too well, and I still don’t know what I really want to do with my life. However, I have learned so much in this time, and God is still so faithful.
When I decided to make a commitment to live the rest of my life for God’s glory, I knew what I was getting into, but at the same time I didn’t. Does that make any sense? I knew that with all my heart I only wanted to live exactly how God wants me to live. I only want to pursue what He wants me to pursue, and be who He wants me to be. Why? Because He knows me so much better than I could ever know myself. He knows what my passions are when I don’t know what they are. He created me! Of course He knows me better! And He created you, too. I highly suggest that if you are feeling lost and confused about who are; seek HIM! He has so many wonderful things to show you!
Anyway, what I didn’t know was that it wasn’t always going to be clear what He wanted. I’m a person who likes answers in flashing red signs with arrows that say “THIS ONE!”. I mean, who doesn’t, right? But God doesn’t always operate like that. More often than not, He’s more focused on showing you His love for you than the answers to your questions. And a lot of the times we want these answers we aren’t ready for. So God says “sshhhh…trust me. Receive my love and love me back and then I’ll answer soon enough.” Or, sometimes, the answer may not be exactly the way we want to hear it. For instance, I have been praying for MONTHS about what I’m supposed to be doing with my life and where does He want me to go next. I have spent many hours in worship just pouring my heart out to Him, telling Him my desire to only do what He called me to do. The thing is, I got so caught up in just one answer, and if I didn’t hear that answer, I felt like He wasn’t answering at all. In actuality, instead of telling me about a specific thing He has called me to do, He revealed to me that I need to work on loving myself as He loves me to even begin living as the woman He has called me to be. Does that makes sense? It really had nothing to do with a specific job or task, but everything to do with walking in His purpose with every move I make, no matter what I am doing. He wanted to show me that I can do that right where I am. As soon as I learned to do that right where I was, He started to reveal to me where I was headed next. How awesome is that?
Its frustrating though, because in the moment, you just don’t understand what’s going on. But that’s what it means to have trust without borders. This has been my prayer, too. My prayers has been for Him to lead me wherever He will call me To trust Him so much that even when I am completely confused or scared, I still trust Him completely. Not a little bit, but completely. That is extremely hard to do, but we aren’t designed to do it on our own. He actually wants to help us learn to trust Him like that. He wants to lead us into that strong relationship with Him. He wants to hold us and hug us and whisper little things in our ears that will make it so easy to trust Him completely. His joy is what carries us into that trust, and wherever His presence is, there is joy and freedom. So the key is to stay in His presence. He will take it from there. He’s so wonderful, too, because He also understands that sometimes we may need friends who are going to trust and believe with us. Just as I was in dire need of tangible love, He brought me closer to my girl friends at church and to my significant other. He didn’t let me feel alone.
His love is so tender. Its mind blowing!
Now I am starting to see a glimpse of what He has next for me. Just a glimpse. One step. And guess what? That’s scary! Of course I wish He would let me see all of the steps at once. He knows better, though, and I’m sure if I saw all of the steps I would freak out because I am not ready for them. So, He’s testing my faith. He gave me the one step, blinded me to what the next steps would be, and told me to trust Him to take that step. Trust without borders, wherever He would call me.
I don’t know what is completely in store for me next. Yes, I still have fears and concerns because it is human nature to wonder and stress over making sure everything is right. I’m not letting that stop me, though. His peace He brings me surpasses all of those fears. My faith is greater than my own understanding. And while I know all of that sounds extremely cliche, its real. I’m living it.
Its far from over. My hard times are still very present. I still don’t know what I’m going to be “when I grow up.” I still don’t know when I am going to be healed. And I still have days where I struggle with loving myself. But I can say with confidence that God answered my prayer. I begged Him to show me how to become the woman He has called me to be, and He is showing me that one day at a time.