I’m so emotional today. Like…I feel like I’m oddly emotional. Like I’m going thru something I don’t really know I’m going thru. Maybe it will come to me in a dream.

Recently, well, just always, my pain is..unbearable. I don’t know if that’s the right word. Because I do end up bearing it every day with the amazing strength of The Lord. It’s like I honestly don’t know how I do it. Even sitting here. How am I doing this? How am I writing this down? My head hurts and my leg is definitely doing its burning/aching thing. No matter where I turn or what I do, my back will always hurt. It gets in the way of the freedom of my happiness. The freedom to do the things I want to do. Like play tennis, run, even the way I fool around with my boyfriend. I can’t do any of these things. Which, to me, is ridiculous because it hurts even when I’m staying still so what the heck is the difference?

I don’t know what’s worse. The pain I go to bed in or the pain I wake up in. This morning…and the whole day it’s been horrible. But I’ve felt horrible about being upset about the pain, because today I found out that another HU student passed away. Which was odd because I had a mini dream about ten minutes before finding out about my friend Alonzo who was killed a year and a half ago. All due to gun violence. And even tho I didn’t know him my heart is just so heavy because I’m so tired of violence killing such innocent and amazing people. My God sister, Alonzo, other fellow Howard students and people in the black community. I mean, when will it ever end?! It’s just so horrible.

So many emotions. Guilty, for complaining about pain when I’m just so blessed to be alive. Saddened for people affected by losing loved ones to violence, grieving for Brittany and Zo, so in love with The Lord and eager to serve Him more and more.

I honestly want to cry. So so much. But I guess I feel like that would be stupid? Annoying? Negative? I don’t know.


Love from different places.


Tonight I had a long talk with that beautiful man in the picture. The one up there. He held me tight and comforted me as I balled my eyes out about my mother. Lately I have realized that I am still incredibly hurt from the relationship that I have with her. I guess I thought it was behind me, but in realty, I was just holding it in. Well, it all finally came out tonight. I’ll go into details about the relationship I have with her in another post.

All I have to say right now is that I am so blessed and beyond happy that God brought this man into my life. He has provided me with more love than I could ever imagine, and it makes up for the lack of love I was shown throughout my childhood, and then some. He is my partner in Christ, my lover, my best friend. I know there is nothing I can do right now to change the situation I am in with my mother. I can’t change her. I can just pray for her. And continue to pray for myself and my ability to forgive her. But if there is anything God has shown me tonight, its that He is so in love with me and cares so deeply about my needs and desires that He wanted to send someone to me to love me ten fold of what I ever expected from someone. He never wanted me to question whether someone loved me again. Now I know that I am always loved by God, and by the love of my life, and that’s more than I could ever ask for. ❤

Current season.

Lately my mind has been filling with thoughts of what is going to be next for me. I graduated from college last May with a bachelor’s degree in journalism. All through out college, I was convinced that I was going to be a reporter. And right up until March of my senior year. Then, God woke me up, and He made me realize that wasn’t going to be my life for many reasons.


1.) I’m not passionate about the news. I was trying to make myself passionate about it in school, but if it was out of sight, it was out of mind. And now, I hate it. It’s nothing but depressing and invasive of people’s personal lives, and I want no parts of it.
2.) My health wouldn’t be able to take it. My chronic pain and the rush of news does not mix. (Mind you, neither does being a technician at one of the busiest Apple stores on the East Coast…more on that later.)
3.) It’s just not the calling God placed on my life. I follow Him. Enough said.

Anyway, in seeking God, He led me to stay with Apple until further notice. I continued as a part-time sales specialist throughout the summer, and picked up as many hours as I could to make all the bills. Then God led me to seek a Genius Bar position at another store, which was full time. I got it. It was perfect. It was ten minutes away from the apartment I was moving to, it was full-time, which meant health benefits and a steady income, and it was a slight pay increase. God just knew what He was doing. Of course, since He is God, He doesn’t reveal all of what He is doing right away. At the time, I thought my calling would be with Apple and I had all these career aspirations and things I could imagine myself doing with the company. I guess, now I realize, I was selling myself short. God knew that, but I didn’t. He knew He had a short mission in sending me to this new store. To get me on my feet, to the doctor, to the church He was calling me to, and to meet the love of my life. I couldn’t be happier with these things.

But now, now I can feel the next transition creeping up on me. Being a technician was much more than I expected, and really made me realize how bad my back is. I can’t work in this constant standing and moving environment. Also, I’m underpaid and overworked. I can’t make a life for myself like this. I’m worth more than this, since I have a degree. I don’t want to spend another day in a retail environment. And the negative feedback I’ve been getting about my performance lately, despite how much effort I put in, is definitely a sign that its time to move on.

So lately, it’s been a lot of praying and faithfully waiting for God’s next direction, while trying to fight off the enemy with his thoughts he’s been trying to get me to have. (you’re wasting you’re time, you’re not good enough, you’re never going to get a new job, you wasted time after college and now you don’t have the experience you need to get a new job…etc, etc.) Now, I know all of this is far from true, and my faith I’m God is far superior than what the devil THINKS he can do. But I do find my patience growing thin as I anxiously wait for the next thing and for my healing from my chromic pain.

So here’s how I’ve been working on enjoying my current season:

1.) loving my man. He makes everything better. He takes care of me, makes me laugh, treats me to things I wouldn’t treat myself to, and we seek God together. What more can I ask for?
2.) enjoying my short commute to work. I mean, 10 min? What’s better than that? Oh, and I have a car now. Which makes my life so much more productive and convenient.
3.) finding the benefits of an inconsistent work schedule. Meaning the days I’m in later, I try to really enjoy my mornings and taking time to get ready.
4.) church. By the grace of God, I get every Sunday off. And my church is amazing.

My time is coming soon. I know that. And with His peace and His presence, I know everything is working out for my good. (Romans 8:28)

What do you do to enjoy your current season while waiting patiently for the next one?

About me.

So this blog is supposed to be about me, right? Learning to love myself as Christ loves me, and learning to enjoy the life He has set before me. Learning to enjoy the season I am in because its where God placed me and there is nothing I can do to change it until He says go.

Therefore, there should be a blog post almost every day. There’s no reason why there shouldn’t be. I have the iPad and iPhone. I have the MacBook Pro. I have the thoughts. I just need to write them down.

Okay. So excuse me if I bombard you with about 5 posts back to back to make up for lost time.


So I went to the doctor today. I went to a back surgeon specifically. And he turned me away like my problems were nothing. He told me that nothing was serious enough in my back for him to treat. And I know that should sound like good news to me. Yay. It’s no serious enough for surgery.

But no. Not even. Why? Because nothing else has been working! And I feel like I’m back at square one again. I just don’t really know what else to try. Except to go back to National Spine and Pain and beg for answers that will work. Physical therapy that won’t make me feel worse. Treatment that is covered under my insurance AND works. I need to heal this back! I’m going crazy. And I’m tired of being strong. I’m tired of working in these conditions. I seriously don’t know how I can go another day feeling like this. Ugh.

If I had money I would take a leave of absence from work so I can just focused on getting my back healed. But I don’t have that option. I’m fresh out of college and in debt out my butt. I need to be grinding to make it to the top. Not struggling to get up every day and hoping I can make it through work.

I know my healing from The Lord is coming. I have faith. But I’m really struggling while I’m waiting. But since I am writing this right now it just proves how amazing He is because it is only by His strength am I able to sit here and blog.

If anyone has any “feel better” ideas please let me know….


So, a few weeks ago, I had a slight spiritual setback. The enemy got the best of me and I completely slipped back into an old habit of mine that I thought I would never revisit.

Even though I had this setback, it felt completely different than any of the other times I used to participate in this habit regularly, and this is because of who I am in Christ now. And, yes, I am just coming to this revelation right now. For a few weeks, I have questioned what happened and how I could possibly let it happen. I’ve been slightly beating myself up about it, but then beating myself up more for not beating myself up enough for what I did, and for feeling as guilty as I normally do. It was weird. I felt guilty, but not as guilty as normal. It was as if I already knew that, that person was not me, and that I was too good for such behaviors. I mean, how could I get angry at myself for something I did when the enemy got a hold of me? Because I know its not something that my right-minded/spiritually-minded/born-again self would have done. So what happened? The enemy happened.

And, its okay. Because from this I received a lot of revelation:

  1. When the enemy tries something, he will never completely win. Since I gave my life to Christ, He has all of the say. He has the final say. So God got the glory and my situation had been turned around within a few hours. I still prayed. I didn’t completely lose myself. The enemy will never have that complete hold over me no matter how hard he tries.
  2. I learned what the enemy will try to use to get me. I know what my weaknesses are. I know WHO my weaknesses are. And I know how to fight him the next time he tries to get me.
  3. I learned how much God loves me so much. His forgiveness was so….genuine and true. He forgave me and gave me the strength to forgive myself, which is something that is extremely hard for me to do. I mean, I harmed His body. I had a setback! How could i ever face myself or God again? But He made it so so so easy.

And…I never stopped seeking Him. Better yet, He never stopped seeking ME! Even when I felt like I couldn’t stand. Even when I felt like I had completely lost control and couldn’t see myself or Him. He came. He reached out His hand, and I took it. I let Him engulf me and comfort me and just take care of everything I couldn’t. It was amazing. That’s what He is there for. To take care of what we can’t! To be our strength! To be our rock! Our foundation! Our everything! Everything we need and more.

Forever consumed by the Father. Forever forgiven. Forever free.


Wow. I know it’s been a while. I promise I am going to get better at this. I have a dying need to journal, but I just oftentimes don’t feel we’ll enough to put my thoughts down on paper.

But this is my testimony, continued. And I need realize how every day is a really a testimony in some sort, so, in reality, I should be writing daily.

So, I’ll have more details to report soon, but all I can say right now is that when you commit yourself to following God, He is ALWAYS faithful. He will always fulfill His promises to you. You will never fail or ever be left without your dreams when your life belongs to Him.

More to come.