Crossroads: content vs. what’s next

While we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen.  For the things which are seen are temporary, but thing things which are not seen are eternal. 

2 Corinthians 4:18


I am in a rut that I just can’t seem to find a way out of.  I feel like no matter how hard I try to apply what I hear in the Word and from my brothers and sisters in Christ…I’m just not getting it. Why do I feel like this? Because nothing has changed.  And I know…I shouldn’t be looking at it like this.  I shouldn’t be measuring success with the amount of change that is taking place.  I shouldn’t be measuring God’s love for me by something changing in my life or Him activating my faith with something tangible.  But…gosh.  Sometimes I wonder if God just sees my frustration and could have some sort of grace toward me show me something immediate.  I wish He could just give in.  Its almost like…are you being stubborn God? Are you refusing to show me any hope until I go a certain amount of time without hoping or trying or seeking the answers? 

Everyone says that you are supposed to just “rest” in God.  And wait.  And wait.  And wait. Until He answers. And not do anything.  Just have faith.  Just be patient.  Just wait.  Just speak faith.  Just wait.  God answers right when you can’t go any further.  Just wait.  Just wait.  You get the picture.  So that’s what I do.  I seek Him daily and pray for what I need to make it through that day. I pray for faith.  I speak it over my life.  But…that just doesn’t take the pain away! It barely makes it easier.  Its a constant battle.  And every week I’m still hoping and believing that this will be the week that something changes.  That God will see my faith and also my suffering and want desperately to change it right then and there.  That He will give me a pat on my back.  That He will cry when I cry and want my pain to stop.  But…nothing happens.  So I feel like I’m not doing enough.  I must not be a good enough Christian or I must not be succeeding at what God wants this season because He refuses to move me to the next season.  Its all in God’s timing.  Not mine.  Its about Him.  Not me.  And I’m cool with that.  I live for that.  I just…don’t know what I did to deserve to be in this pain.  

I know it sound like I’m all over the place.  I’m talking about a lot.  It sounds like I’m not grateful with where I am in my life.  Being content because Christ is enough for me.  That’s not true.  He is.  And…if I have to be where I am the rest of my life I know it would be okay because I have Christ.  It wouldn’t be the life I imagined and it wouldn’t be what I want to do for His Kingdom, but I would trust Him that its where He wants me.  What I can’t get with is having to do it all in poor health. My chronic pain isn’t getting any better.  I have been praying and praying for healing for quite some time. Nothing.  I try to “take matters into my own hands” and receive medical help in hopes that something I seek medically is going to be God’s way of healing me, but that doesn’t work.  I feel like I get a glimpse of hope in there and come across an answer and a solution, but I immediately hit a roadblock instead.  As if God is teasing me.  Here’s false hope, but its not going to work because its not directly from me (Him.)  Well what is from You then, Father?? I am DYING to know.  Please help me.  I’m so desperate.  I want to be joyful in your Kingdom.  I want to be content with it all.  I want to grow at your pace and carefully be guided into steps toward your place for me in the Kingdom.  But, do I have to do this in pain?? Can I PLEASE be healed, God? 

I am going to try to continue and live in God’s love until something changes.  But…I am burned out.  I am tired.  I am weary.  I need a change.  Why is that a bad thing? I am content because I love God, but I need a change! I want to grow and work towards what He has next for me, but I feel stuck because first and foremost, I want to be healed! I quoted that verse at the top of this post because I need to remember that since I can see my pain and my situation, its not eternal.  But I can’t see those plans He has or even myself being healed, which means thats eternal.  It just doesn’t stop me from being weary, and it sure doesn’t take the physical pain away.  

If anyone is reading this, please pray for me.  And, if you have any answers, insights, suggestions, or advice, please share.  


Be blessed, 




I guess I know what I’m supposed to do…

So why am I not doing it? 

I have been in a very frustrated state lately.  And I know part of that frustration is with God.  Slightly.  I don’t want to admit it.  I feel extremely bad being frustrated with Him.  Like I’m a bad daughter.  And its not that my faith has gone anywhere.  My belief in that I know He’s got something great coming.  That the prosperous future He’s promised me hasn’t gone anywhere. Or that He has a plan to supply me with the money I need to pay back my student loans and get my health in order.  How? I don’t know.  And I know I’m not supposed to know…how.  I know I’m just supposed to sit back and enjoy the ride until He makes a move.  But…its this waiting game.  Its driving me crazy.  Driving me to greater frustration.  Not knowing what His plans are, what way He wants me to go, and what He wants me to do to get there.  Its…agggghhhhh.  I don’t want to be that guy that complained about God not saving Him when He was drowning and then three boats pass and he says that God will save Him, and that was Gods way of saving him, but He missed it.  That’s how I feel.  Like I’m missing something.  I’m missing what God is telling me, and if I was just better at hearing exactly what I was supposed to do, then all of my troubles would be over. 


I honestly don’t know.  But here’s what I do know.  I know I need to get my act together.  And by that I mean I need to stop being jealous of other people when God blesses them.  I need to be happy for them and then use their testimony to encourage me that God is real and that He will bless me right on time, whenever His timing says so. I feel like I’m hindering that with my jealous/frustrated feelings.  I feel like He’s gonna sit there and wait for me to be completely and selflessly joyful in my situation the way it is, before He moves.


So…if I know this.  Why is it so difficult for me to change my actions? Why don’t I just get it together? 

{ Day 187 }.

This is what I devote my life to everyday. I surrender to You, God. I am available. A vessel and solider in your army. Forever.

Rivers of Hope

I will give you shepherds according to My heart, who will feed you with knowledge and understanding. —Jeremiah 3:15, NKJV

After God gives a beckoning call to return to Him because He is married to us, inviting us to come near to Him in confident love and wholeheartedness, He then, in effect, says, “I am going to raise up men and women who will experience the spiritual reality of God’s heart as a Bridegroom God. That revelation will flow like a river on the inside of those shepherds, and they will live in the mighty power of this revelation. Then they will feed the church from it.” The Lord is now raising up men and women after His heart, like David, and He will give them as a gift to the backslidden church to win her back to wholeheartedness. They will speak it with deep, undeniable revelation and…

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About me.

So this blog is supposed to be about me, right? Learning to love myself as Christ loves me, and learning to enjoy the life He has set before me. Learning to enjoy the season I am in because its where God placed me and there is nothing I can do to change it until He says go.

Therefore, there should be a blog post almost every day. There’s no reason why there shouldn’t be. I have the iPad and iPhone. I have the MacBook Pro. I have the thoughts. I just need to write them down.

Okay. So excuse me if I bombard you with about 5 posts back to back to make up for lost time.

Live to love. Love to live.

Rivers of Hope

I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you. Matthew 5:44

Never forget that while you were yet a sinner, Christ died for you (Romans 5:8). It is easy to get caught up in the cares of the world, forgetting how much our heavenly Father loves us.

Rejoice today in a love so deep and sure that death could not extinguish it. His love stretches from time eternal and reaches out to you with grace and mercy. That same love has been shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Spirit.

God wants us to not only recognize our responsibility to operate in all the gifts of the Spirit, but He also expects us to validate those gifts by living a lifestyle that…

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