Why I haven’t been here in a while

Hello there.  I know I have left this page bare for a few months.  I have gone through so many mental ups and downs, but they all seem to revolve around the same things that are going on in my life.  So I guess exhaustion mixed with overall overwhelming feelings and fear of redundancy kept me away from this page.  I didn’t know what to say about it all, and I am strict about what I put on this page because this is a blog about my journey with Christ.

Anyway, I’m back.  Honestly, much hasn’t changed in my life, but a few things have changed for me mentally and spiritually.  Well, let’s put it this way.  There are some things that I am realizing, questions I have, and things that are inside of me that I have to get out.  While I am waiting for God to answer these questions, prayers, and requests I have been asking Him for months now, I need to seek Him in a more personal way and allow Him to reveal to me who He created me to be.

In your 20-somethings, you are naturally trying to search for who you are.  I guess we always expect to find ourselves in high school and college, and then we get disappointed when it didn’t work out that way and we are in our 20s still trying to figure that out.  Well, that’s what’s going on with me anyway.  I desperately want to know who God has called me to be now so I can just go after it.  But I realized there is something missing.  I STILL don’t have a high approval of myself.  I STILL don’t have a strong confident mentality.  I STILL question every last thing about my personality, my thoughts, what I like and what I don’t like.  I STILL don’t know what my passions are, and don’t believe I would know them even if they slapped me in the face.  I have spent some time hating myself for not knowing these things, but I’m tired of feeling that way.  I’m impatient, but I need to be patient.  I know if I take the time to seek God about this, He will show me who I am, and in turn He will show me who He has created me to be.

That being said, there will be more posts.  More words about my discoveries.  More records of my highs and my lows.  Recording it all makes the journey a lot easier, and will help me outline the bigger pictures.  And faithfully, I’ll get the answers I’ve been looking for.

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God beams with joy about me.

This pas Sunday, the Father gave me amazing revelation that I’ve been needing and seeking for a while now.  Where should I start? Well, let’s be honest.  I’ve been going through a lot lately, and I’ve been in a waiting season where God has me faithfully waiting for Him to make His move when His time is right.  And that is totally fine.  I love my Father and my faith is unwavering.  I know that He has major plans for my breakthrough soon. Of course, that doesn’t always take away from some of the human emotions that might be felt in the midst of a storm, or, even deeper, the thoughts the enemy will try to get you to have about your situation(s).  A constant pursuit of Christ; however, will bring joy regardless of those thoughts and emotions.  I would say, that my joy has been on point lately. But, my emotions have been all over the place, and I guess I have been trying to figure out why.  Well, here’s why.

The struggles that are at the forefront of my life right now (physical health, getting a new job, finances) are emotionally distracting me from the deeper problems that are present as well.  That probably sounds weird, but let’s just say there are emotional/spiritual struggles I didn’t even know I was dealing with this entire time, but they have been affecting me and affecting how I react to the struggles I have been very aware of. One of those, is a battle of self-hatred that I have been dealing with my entire life.  This is a wall (or several walls) that God has been trying to break down for years.  I was listening to a worship song called “Spirit Breakout” by Kim Walker-Smith that talks about Holy Spirit coming to break our walls down, when Holy Spirit revealed to me that this was a huge wall that I needed to let Him break down.  I definitely thought I was mostly done with self-hatred, but God showed me this weekend that I still don’t think highly of myself, like, ever. BUT, He also showed me how I can finally get through this struggle.

God delights in me. (And you, too!)  He beams with joy at the thought of me.  He made me in His image and likeness, which means that the way I am, in His eyes, is already perfect. My constant self-harming, nit-picky, self-comparing thoughts about how imperfect I am are only acts of the enemy.  Especially since I have given my life to Christ and have been determined to serve His Kingdom every day, I know Daddy God is especially proud of me.  And He cares so deeply about me.  How beautiful, right?

So, now I just have to remind myself of this every day to start to fight the enemy in this self-hatred battle.  It has to be more than an internal thought reminder, though.  It has to be spoken aloud and declared, because the power of life and death is in the tongue.

Psalm 18:19 “He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.”

Fallen.

I’m so emotional today. Like…I feel like I’m oddly emotional. Like I’m going thru something I don’t really know I’m going thru. Maybe it will come to me in a dream.

Recently, well, just always, my pain is..unbearable. I don’t know if that’s the right word. Because I do end up bearing it every day with the amazing strength of The Lord. It’s like I honestly don’t know how I do it. Even sitting here. How am I doing this? How am I writing this down? My head hurts and my leg is definitely doing its burning/aching thing. No matter where I turn or what I do, my back will always hurt. It gets in the way of the freedom of my happiness. The freedom to do the things I want to do. Like play tennis, run, even the way I fool around with my boyfriend. I can’t do any of these things. Which, to me, is ridiculous because it hurts even when I’m staying still so what the heck is the difference?

I don’t know what’s worse. The pain I go to bed in or the pain I wake up in. This morning…and the whole day it’s been horrible. But I’ve felt horrible about being upset about the pain, because today I found out that another HU student passed away. Which was odd because I had a mini dream about ten minutes before finding out about my friend Alonzo who was killed a year and a half ago. All due to gun violence. And even tho I didn’t know him my heart is just so heavy because I’m so tired of violence killing such innocent and amazing people. My God sister, Alonzo, other fellow Howard students and people in the black community. I mean, when will it ever end?! It’s just so horrible.

So many emotions. Guilty, for complaining about pain when I’m just so blessed to be alive. Saddened for people affected by losing loved ones to violence, grieving for Brittany and Zo, so in love with The Lord and eager to serve Him more and more.

I honestly want to cry. So so much. But I guess I feel like that would be stupid? Annoying? Negative? I don’t know.

Love from different places.

Image

Tonight I had a long talk with that beautiful man in the picture. The one up there. He held me tight and comforted me as I balled my eyes out about my mother. Lately I have realized that I am still incredibly hurt from the relationship that I have with her. I guess I thought it was behind me, but in realty, I was just holding it in. Well, it all finally came out tonight. I’ll go into details about the relationship I have with her in another post.

All I have to say right now is that I am so blessed and beyond happy that God brought this man into my life. He has provided me with more love than I could ever imagine, and it makes up for the lack of love I was shown throughout my childhood, and then some. He is my partner in Christ, my lover, my best friend. I know there is nothing I can do right now to change the situation I am in with my mother. I can’t change her. I can just pray for her. And continue to pray for myself and my ability to forgive her. But if there is anything God has shown me tonight, its that He is so in love with me and cares so deeply about my needs and desires that He wanted to send someone to me to love me ten fold of what I ever expected from someone. He never wanted me to question whether someone loved me again. Now I know that I am always loved by God, and by the love of my life, and that’s more than I could ever ask for. ❤

Help.

So I went to the doctor today. I went to a back surgeon specifically. And he turned me away like my problems were nothing. He told me that nothing was serious enough in my back for him to treat. And I know that should sound like good news to me. Yay. It’s no serious enough for surgery.

But no. Not even. Why? Because nothing else has been working! And I feel like I’m back at square one again. I just don’t really know what else to try. Except to go back to National Spine and Pain and beg for answers that will work. Physical therapy that won’t make me feel worse. Treatment that is covered under my insurance AND works. I need to heal this back! I’m going crazy. And I’m tired of being strong. I’m tired of working in these conditions. I seriously don’t know how I can go another day feeling like this. Ugh.

If I had money I would take a leave of absence from work so I can just focused on getting my back healed. But I don’t have that option. I’m fresh out of college and in debt out my butt. I need to be grinding to make it to the top. Not struggling to get up every day and hoping I can make it through work.

I know my healing from The Lord is coming. I have faith. But I’m really struggling while I’m waiting. But since I am writing this right now it just proves how amazing He is because it is only by His strength am I able to sit here and blog.

If anyone has any “feel better” ideas please let me know….

The beginning.

As I have learned more and more about the Kingdom of God and this supernatural world that exists around us, I have come to understand how we are born into a war zone. I am talking about a war between the enemy and God. Lightness and darkness. I am talking about how the devil is trying to kill us as soon as we take our first breath. But God has already won this war. He created us, formed us in His image and likeness, and planned our destiny before we were even formed in our mother’s womb. When we decide to follow Him, He begins to reveal that destiny to us, step by step. And He begins to show us how He wins those battles with the enemy.

Learning about the war zone we are in, and born into, I’ve been able to understand my own war zone much better. I’ve been able to piece together how the enemy has been trying to kill me and how God has taken each of those attempts and turned them into something good. Something that molds into the plan He has for me.

I was born to two mentally challenged parents. I shouldn’t even be the beautiful woman of God that is writing this right now that I am, but I am. God saved me, because He knew His plans for me. My biological mother didn’t even know she was pregnant with me until close to her due date. Things weren’t done to ensure a successful pregnancy/birth. And in my early years, it wasn’t much better. Without going into too much detail, I wasn’t properly cared for as a baby. It wasn’t until I was adopted that I received proper care a child needs to grow. God saved me again. But then, things weren’t all shiny still. My mother was great at providing, but not at nurturing. She demanded perfectionism, and she pushed me far past my limits. I spent most of my life hating myself and hating her.

God saved me again. He continued to win battles while the enemy continued to try and take me out. He couldn’t win at my birth, so he tried over and over again. He thought he could get me to kill myself even. God wasn’t having that. He saved me.

To be continued…