While we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but thing things which are not seen are eternal.
– 2 Corinthians 4:18
I am in a rut that I just can’t seem to find a way out of. I feel like no matter how hard I try to apply what I hear in the Word and from my brothers and sisters in Christ…I’m just not getting it. Why do I feel like this? Because nothing has changed. And I know…I shouldn’t be looking at it like this. I shouldn’t be measuring success with the amount of change that is taking place. I shouldn’t be measuring God’s love for me by something changing in my life or Him activating my faith with something tangible. But…gosh. Sometimes I wonder if God just sees my frustration and could have some sort of grace toward me show me something immediate. I wish He could just give in. Its almost like…are you being stubborn God? Are you refusing to show me any hope until I go a certain amount of time without hoping or trying or seeking the answers?
Everyone says that you are supposed to just “rest” in God. And wait. And wait. And wait. Until He answers. And not do anything. Just have faith. Just be patient. Just wait. Just speak faith. Just wait. God answers right when you can’t go any further. Just wait. Just wait. You get the picture. So that’s what I do. I seek Him daily and pray for what I need to make it through that day. I pray for faith. I speak it over my life. But…that just doesn’t take the pain away! It barely makes it easier. Its a constant battle. And every week I’m still hoping and believing that this will be the week that something changes. That God will see my faith and also my suffering and want desperately to change it right then and there. That He will give me a pat on my back. That He will cry when I cry and want my pain to stop. But…nothing happens. So I feel like I’m not doing enough. I must not be a good enough Christian or I must not be succeeding at what God wants this season because He refuses to move me to the next season. Its all in God’s timing. Not mine. Its about Him. Not me. And I’m cool with that. I live for that. I just…don’t know what I did to deserve to be in this pain.
I know it sound like I’m all over the place. I’m talking about a lot. It sounds like I’m not grateful with where I am in my life. Being content because Christ is enough for me. That’s not true. He is. And…if I have to be where I am the rest of my life I know it would be okay because I have Christ. It wouldn’t be the life I imagined and it wouldn’t be what I want to do for His Kingdom, but I would trust Him that its where He wants me. What I can’t get with is having to do it all in poor health. My chronic pain isn’t getting any better. I have been praying and praying for healing for quite some time. Nothing. I try to “take matters into my own hands” and receive medical help in hopes that something I seek medically is going to be God’s way of healing me, but that doesn’t work. I feel like I get a glimpse of hope in there and come across an answer and a solution, but I immediately hit a roadblock instead. As if God is teasing me. Here’s false hope, but its not going to work because its not directly from me (Him.) Well what is from You then, Father?? I am DYING to know. Please help me. I’m so desperate. I want to be joyful in your Kingdom. I want to be content with it all. I want to grow at your pace and carefully be guided into steps toward your place for me in the Kingdom. But, do I have to do this in pain?? Can I PLEASE be healed, God?
I am going to try to continue and live in God’s love until something changes. But…I am burned out. I am tired. I am weary. I need a change. Why is that a bad thing? I am content because I love God, but I need a change! I want to grow and work towards what He has next for me, but I feel stuck because first and foremost, I want to be healed! I quoted that verse at the top of this post because I need to remember that since I can see my pain and my situation, its not eternal. But I can’t see those plans He has or even myself being healed, which means thats eternal. It just doesn’t stop me from being weary, and it sure doesn’t take the physical pain away.
If anyone is reading this, please pray for me. And, if you have any answers, insights, suggestions, or advice, please share.