God beams with joy about me.

This pas Sunday, the Father gave me amazing revelation that I’ve been needing and seeking for a while now.  Where should I start? Well, let’s be honest.  I’ve been going through a lot lately, and I’ve been in a waiting season where God has me faithfully waiting for Him to make His move when His time is right.  And that is totally fine.  I love my Father and my faith is unwavering.  I know that He has major plans for my breakthrough soon. Of course, that doesn’t always take away from some of the human emotions that might be felt in the midst of a storm, or, even deeper, the thoughts the enemy will try to get you to have about your situation(s).  A constant pursuit of Christ; however, will bring joy regardless of those thoughts and emotions.  I would say, that my joy has been on point lately. But, my emotions have been all over the place, and I guess I have been trying to figure out why.  Well, here’s why.

The struggles that are at the forefront of my life right now (physical health, getting a new job, finances) are emotionally distracting me from the deeper problems that are present as well.  That probably sounds weird, but let’s just say there are emotional/spiritual struggles I didn’t even know I was dealing with this entire time, but they have been affecting me and affecting how I react to the struggles I have been very aware of. One of those, is a battle of self-hatred that I have been dealing with my entire life.  This is a wall (or several walls) that God has been trying to break down for years.  I was listening to a worship song called “Spirit Breakout” by Kim Walker-Smith that talks about Holy Spirit coming to break our walls down, when Holy Spirit revealed to me that this was a huge wall that I needed to let Him break down.  I definitely thought I was mostly done with self-hatred, but God showed me this weekend that I still don’t think highly of myself, like, ever. BUT, He also showed me how I can finally get through this struggle.

God delights in me. (And you, too!)  He beams with joy at the thought of me.  He made me in His image and likeness, which means that the way I am, in His eyes, is already perfect. My constant self-harming, nit-picky, self-comparing thoughts about how imperfect I am are only acts of the enemy.  Especially since I have given my life to Christ and have been determined to serve His Kingdom every day, I know Daddy God is especially proud of me.  And He cares so deeply about me.  How beautiful, right?

So, now I just have to remind myself of this every day to start to fight the enemy in this self-hatred battle.  It has to be more than an internal thought reminder, though.  It has to be spoken aloud and declared, because the power of life and death is in the tongue.

Psalm 18:19 “He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.”

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Fallen.

I’m so emotional today. Like…I feel like I’m oddly emotional. Like I’m going thru something I don’t really know I’m going thru. Maybe it will come to me in a dream.

Recently, well, just always, my pain is..unbearable. I don’t know if that’s the right word. Because I do end up bearing it every day with the amazing strength of The Lord. It’s like I honestly don’t know how I do it. Even sitting here. How am I doing this? How am I writing this down? My head hurts and my leg is definitely doing its burning/aching thing. No matter where I turn or what I do, my back will always hurt. It gets in the way of the freedom of my happiness. The freedom to do the things I want to do. Like play tennis, run, even the way I fool around with my boyfriend. I can’t do any of these things. Which, to me, is ridiculous because it hurts even when I’m staying still so what the heck is the difference?

I don’t know what’s worse. The pain I go to bed in or the pain I wake up in. This morning…and the whole day it’s been horrible. But I’ve felt horrible about being upset about the pain, because today I found out that another HU student passed away. Which was odd because I had a mini dream about ten minutes before finding out about my friend Alonzo who was killed a year and a half ago. All due to gun violence. And even tho I didn’t know him my heart is just so heavy because I’m so tired of violence killing such innocent and amazing people. My God sister, Alonzo, other fellow Howard students and people in the black community. I mean, when will it ever end?! It’s just so horrible.

So many emotions. Guilty, for complaining about pain when I’m just so blessed to be alive. Saddened for people affected by losing loved ones to violence, grieving for Brittany and Zo, so in love with The Lord and eager to serve Him more and more.

I honestly want to cry. So so much. But I guess I feel like that would be stupid? Annoying? Negative? I don’t know.

Learning to cry.

When I was younger (well, really up until about last year) I never cried. Ever. I was kind of raised not to. I wasn’t told outright “don’t cry ever”, but the way my mother treated me and talked to me, it was implied. So I didn’t. I was always strong and patient and just held everything in. This led to more self destructive habits that I developed to deal with my pent up emotion and feelings of worthlessness. See, I felt as though I wasn’t worth enough to even cry. That my emotions weren’t worth it. I was to be a perfect robot, not someone who got hurt. Not someone who’s mother could make them feel hurt. Not someone who knew emotional pain. My mother didn’t see me as a human. And if I ever showed I was upset about something, especially involving her, it was looked at to be ungrateful. And of course, it wasn’t aligning with what she demanded from me, which was perfection in every area of life.
So as the years went by, I hated myself and hated myself more and more. I hurt myself to feel and to punish. Kind of an all-in-one kind of thing. I never knew that God wanted me to give that pain to Him. I used to feel like if God was real, He wouldn’t let me feel the pain in he first place. But He was just waiting patiently for me to find Him. And once I did, He commanded that all of that pain come out of me. Its funny, I cried more the first year I started seeking God than I ever did my entire life. I’ll talk more about those beginning journeys with Him later.
Today, I’m saying all of this to say, that I finally get it. I really do. I finally understand how important my emotions really are. How much He so genuinely cares about every single one of my thoughts, emotions, and tears. And how when I let them go, I give them to Him. That’s me releasing it all to Him. And in doing so, I’m literally emptying myself so that He can fill me back up. And I realized that He could never get in before because there was no room for Him. I was carrying too much pain that needed to be let out and given to Him.
Two days ago, I cried. I really cried hard. I cried and told Him all of my troubles as I was crying. All of my worries about my health and the things I felt were unfair. And He just listened so tenderly and beautifully. Holding me and catching all of my tears. Then, He restored me. He filled me with His love and His strength. His peace. His everything. And the next day I was so refreshed and renewed. All of my worries were cast to Him. It was like I was floating. But if I had never let myself FEEL, I would have never gotten to that point of feeling free.
It is so important to know how important every emotion you have is and to let yourself feel it fully. When you want to laugh, laugh. When you want to cry, cry. And in all things, give all of the emotions to Him and let Him take care of the rest. He’s waiting for that. He’s waiting for you!