God beams with joy about me.

This pas Sunday, the Father gave me amazing revelation that I’ve been needing and seeking for a while now.  Where should I start? Well, let’s be honest.  I’ve been going through a lot lately, and I’ve been in a waiting season where God has me faithfully waiting for Him to make His move when His time is right.  And that is totally fine.  I love my Father and my faith is unwavering.  I know that He has major plans for my breakthrough soon. Of course, that doesn’t always take away from some of the human emotions that might be felt in the midst of a storm, or, even deeper, the thoughts the enemy will try to get you to have about your situation(s).  A constant pursuit of Christ; however, will bring joy regardless of those thoughts and emotions.  I would say, that my joy has been on point lately. But, my emotions have been all over the place, and I guess I have been trying to figure out why.  Well, here’s why.

The struggles that are at the forefront of my life right now (physical health, getting a new job, finances) are emotionally distracting me from the deeper problems that are present as well.  That probably sounds weird, but let’s just say there are emotional/spiritual struggles I didn’t even know I was dealing with this entire time, but they have been affecting me and affecting how I react to the struggles I have been very aware of. One of those, is a battle of self-hatred that I have been dealing with my entire life.  This is a wall (or several walls) that God has been trying to break down for years.  I was listening to a worship song called “Spirit Breakout” by Kim Walker-Smith that talks about Holy Spirit coming to break our walls down, when Holy Spirit revealed to me that this was a huge wall that I needed to let Him break down.  I definitely thought I was mostly done with self-hatred, but God showed me this weekend that I still don’t think highly of myself, like, ever. BUT, He also showed me how I can finally get through this struggle.

God delights in me. (And you, too!)  He beams with joy at the thought of me.  He made me in His image and likeness, which means that the way I am, in His eyes, is already perfect. My constant self-harming, nit-picky, self-comparing thoughts about how imperfect I am are only acts of the enemy.  Especially since I have given my life to Christ and have been determined to serve His Kingdom every day, I know Daddy God is especially proud of me.  And He cares so deeply about me.  How beautiful, right?

So, now I just have to remind myself of this every day to start to fight the enemy in this self-hatred battle.  It has to be more than an internal thought reminder, though.  It has to be spoken aloud and declared, because the power of life and death is in the tongue.

Psalm 18:19 “He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.”

Love from different places.

Image

Tonight I had a long talk with that beautiful man in the picture. The one up there. He held me tight and comforted me as I balled my eyes out about my mother. Lately I have realized that I am still incredibly hurt from the relationship that I have with her. I guess I thought it was behind me, but in realty, I was just holding it in. Well, it all finally came out tonight. I’ll go into details about the relationship I have with her in another post.

All I have to say right now is that I am so blessed and beyond happy that God brought this man into my life. He has provided me with more love than I could ever imagine, and it makes up for the lack of love I was shown throughout my childhood, and then some. He is my partner in Christ, my lover, my best friend. I know there is nothing I can do right now to change the situation I am in with my mother. I can’t change her. I can just pray for her. And continue to pray for myself and my ability to forgive her. But if there is anything God has shown me tonight, its that He is so in love with me and cares so deeply about my needs and desires that He wanted to send someone to me to love me ten fold of what I ever expected from someone. He never wanted me to question whether someone loved me again. Now I know that I am always loved by God, and by the love of my life, and that’s more than I could ever ask for. ❤

Help.

So I went to the doctor today. I went to a back surgeon specifically. And he turned me away like my problems were nothing. He told me that nothing was serious enough in my back for him to treat. And I know that should sound like good news to me. Yay. It’s no serious enough for surgery.

But no. Not even. Why? Because nothing else has been working! And I feel like I’m back at square one again. I just don’t really know what else to try. Except to go back to National Spine and Pain and beg for answers that will work. Physical therapy that won’t make me feel worse. Treatment that is covered under my insurance AND works. I need to heal this back! I’m going crazy. And I’m tired of being strong. I’m tired of working in these conditions. I seriously don’t know how I can go another day feeling like this. Ugh.

If I had money I would take a leave of absence from work so I can just focused on getting my back healed. But I don’t have that option. I’m fresh out of college and in debt out my butt. I need to be grinding to make it to the top. Not struggling to get up every day and hoping I can make it through work.

I know my healing from The Lord is coming. I have faith. But I’m really struggling while I’m waiting. But since I am writing this right now it just proves how amazing He is because it is only by His strength am I able to sit here and blog.

If anyone has any “feel better” ideas please let me know….

Setback.

So, a few weeks ago, I had a slight spiritual setback. The enemy got the best of me and I completely slipped back into an old habit of mine that I thought I would never revisit.

Even though I had this setback, it felt completely different than any of the other times I used to participate in this habit regularly, and this is because of who I am in Christ now. And, yes, I am just coming to this revelation right now. For a few weeks, I have questioned what happened and how I could possibly let it happen. I’ve been slightly beating myself up about it, but then beating myself up more for not beating myself up enough for what I did, and for feeling as guilty as I normally do. It was weird. I felt guilty, but not as guilty as normal. It was as if I already knew that, that person was not me, and that I was too good for such behaviors. I mean, how could I get angry at myself for something I did when the enemy got a hold of me? Because I know its not something that my right-minded/spiritually-minded/born-again self would have done. So what happened? The enemy happened.

And, its okay. Because from this I received a lot of revelation:

  1. When the enemy tries something, he will never completely win. Since I gave my life to Christ, He has all of the say. He has the final say. So God got the glory and my situation had been turned around within a few hours. I still prayed. I didn’t completely lose myself. The enemy will never have that complete hold over me no matter how hard he tries.
  2. I learned what the enemy will try to use to get me. I know what my weaknesses are. I know WHO my weaknesses are. And I know how to fight him the next time he tries to get me.
  3. I learned how much God loves me so much. His forgiveness was so….genuine and true. He forgave me and gave me the strength to forgive myself, which is something that is extremely hard for me to do. I mean, I harmed His body. I had a setback! How could i ever face myself or God again? But He made it so so so easy.

And…I never stopped seeking Him. Better yet, He never stopped seeking ME! Even when I felt like I couldn’t stand. Even when I felt like I had completely lost control and couldn’t see myself or Him. He came. He reached out His hand, and I took it. I let Him engulf me and comfort me and just take care of everything I couldn’t. It was amazing. That’s what He is there for. To take care of what we can’t! To be our strength! To be our rock! Our foundation! Our everything! Everything we need and more.

Forever consumed by the Father. Forever forgiven. Forever free.

It’s been a while, but I have a lot to say.

One of the biggest spiritual struggles I have faced has been self-rejection. The enemy has used circumstances in my life to basically get me to kill myself, but God always receives the glory.

My mother was never the greatest shower of love. She is not an affectionate person whatsoever. She also has a temper. She probably needed anger management classes come to think of it. Anyway, her way of treating me caused me to be depressed most of my childhood and into my first two years of college. She adopted me, which was the funny/confusing part of it all, because I never understood how she wanted a child and could be so mean. I don’t think I’ll ever understand it. Regardless, because she didn’t show me much love, I never learned how to show myself love. I felt like a constant failure in her eyes. I was raised that hard work and over achievement was more important than caring for yourself. I was raised that good wasn’t good enough. I was raised that my best wasn’t good enough, that I had to be thebest. And of course, I never was. I was slightly above average. You know, B+/A- kind of student. And, I always involved myself in a ton of activities. At first, it was because I felt like that’s what I had to do. But then it became a mechanism of hiding from myself. Hiding from my pain (both physical and emotional) and hiding from my mother. The more time I could be away from her, the better. But even then, I still wanted her approval in all of those things. Every now and then I would get it, but most of the time, not so much. Then, when I enjoyed the activities I was involved in (tennis, theatre, band, speech) she resented me even more. She tried to take them away from me. She put me on restrictions I didn’t deserve just to keep me from being happy in my activities. In her eyes, they weren’t going to get me anywhere and they weren’t raising my grades or getting me scholarship money.

So for all of those years, I rejected myself to be perfect. I didn’t care about how I felt. I didn’t listen to my body or my spirit. I over worked and under slept myself. And, I harmed myself. I spent years punishing myself for the imperfection I thought I was.

But, God’s love is like fire. He woke me up. And He showed me who He has called me to be. He’s had to show me thru a lot of lessons for me to understand, and I’m still learning. I wasn’t just delivered over night. It has been a deliverance battle. A beautiful battle that I would gladly fight again just to know The Lord.

My latest lesson has been about how to care for myself. It is a lesson I have been learning for about a year now. Learning to love myself and care for myself. I have a lot of health problems. Chronic headaches and dizzy spells. A horrible back that resulted from an untreated injury and a pre-existing birth defect. And burning/weakening leg pains that result from that same birth defect. I just found out what most of diagnoses are except for my headaches and dizziness. For a while I had been wondering why The Lord won’t just heal me. What was I doing wrong? I’ve seen Him heal people miraculously. Why not me? Guess what He told me. He’s teaching me how to take care of me. How important it is to only do what I can handle, listen to myself, go to the necessary doctor’s appointments, etc. And while I wish I could just stop being in pain, I am so thankful for this lesson and I can’t wait to have my breakthrough. To share my testimony. It’s already forming. It’s just not done yet.

Pray for me. The days are long and hard. My work shifts are gruesome at times because of how much pain I am in. But I wouldn’t take it back for anything, because this battle is bringing me closer to God every single day.

And that’s all I’ve ever wanted.

The beginning.

As I have learned more and more about the Kingdom of God and this supernatural world that exists around us, I have come to understand how we are born into a war zone. I am talking about a war between the enemy and God. Lightness and darkness. I am talking about how the devil is trying to kill us as soon as we take our first breath. But God has already won this war. He created us, formed us in His image and likeness, and planned our destiny before we were even formed in our mother’s womb. When we decide to follow Him, He begins to reveal that destiny to us, step by step. And He begins to show us how He wins those battles with the enemy.

Learning about the war zone we are in, and born into, I’ve been able to understand my own war zone much better. I’ve been able to piece together how the enemy has been trying to kill me and how God has taken each of those attempts and turned them into something good. Something that molds into the plan He has for me.

I was born to two mentally challenged parents. I shouldn’t even be the beautiful woman of God that is writing this right now that I am, but I am. God saved me, because He knew His plans for me. My biological mother didn’t even know she was pregnant with me until close to her due date. Things weren’t done to ensure a successful pregnancy/birth. And in my early years, it wasn’t much better. Without going into too much detail, I wasn’t properly cared for as a baby. It wasn’t until I was adopted that I received proper care a child needs to grow. God saved me again. But then, things weren’t all shiny still. My mother was great at providing, but not at nurturing. She demanded perfectionism, and she pushed me far past my limits. I spent most of my life hating myself and hating her.

God saved me again. He continued to win battles while the enemy continued to try and take me out. He couldn’t win at my birth, so he tried over and over again. He thought he could get me to kill myself even. God wasn’t having that. He saved me.

To be continued…

Learning to cry.

When I was younger (well, really up until about last year) I never cried. Ever. I was kind of raised not to. I wasn’t told outright “don’t cry ever”, but the way my mother treated me and talked to me, it was implied. So I didn’t. I was always strong and patient and just held everything in. This led to more self destructive habits that I developed to deal with my pent up emotion and feelings of worthlessness. See, I felt as though I wasn’t worth enough to even cry. That my emotions weren’t worth it. I was to be a perfect robot, not someone who got hurt. Not someone who’s mother could make them feel hurt. Not someone who knew emotional pain. My mother didn’t see me as a human. And if I ever showed I was upset about something, especially involving her, it was looked at to be ungrateful. And of course, it wasn’t aligning with what she demanded from me, which was perfection in every area of life.
So as the years went by, I hated myself and hated myself more and more. I hurt myself to feel and to punish. Kind of an all-in-one kind of thing. I never knew that God wanted me to give that pain to Him. I used to feel like if God was real, He wouldn’t let me feel the pain in he first place. But He was just waiting patiently for me to find Him. And once I did, He commanded that all of that pain come out of me. Its funny, I cried more the first year I started seeking God than I ever did my entire life. I’ll talk more about those beginning journeys with Him later.
Today, I’m saying all of this to say, that I finally get it. I really do. I finally understand how important my emotions really are. How much He so genuinely cares about every single one of my thoughts, emotions, and tears. And how when I let them go, I give them to Him. That’s me releasing it all to Him. And in doing so, I’m literally emptying myself so that He can fill me back up. And I realized that He could never get in before because there was no room for Him. I was carrying too much pain that needed to be let out and given to Him.
Two days ago, I cried. I really cried hard. I cried and told Him all of my troubles as I was crying. All of my worries about my health and the things I felt were unfair. And He just listened so tenderly and beautifully. Holding me and catching all of my tears. Then, He restored me. He filled me with His love and His strength. His peace. His everything. And the next day I was so refreshed and renewed. All of my worries were cast to Him. It was like I was floating. But if I had never let myself FEEL, I would have never gotten to that point of feeling free.
It is so important to know how important every emotion you have is and to let yourself feel it fully. When you want to laugh, laugh. When you want to cry, cry. And in all things, give all of the emotions to Him and let Him take care of the rest. He’s waiting for that. He’s waiting for you!