God beams with joy about me.

This pas Sunday, the Father gave me amazing revelation that I’ve been needing and seeking for a while now.  Where should I start? Well, let’s be honest.  I’ve been going through a lot lately, and I’ve been in a waiting season where God has me faithfully waiting for Him to make His move when His time is right.  And that is totally fine.  I love my Father and my faith is unwavering.  I know that He has major plans for my breakthrough soon. Of course, that doesn’t always take away from some of the human emotions that might be felt in the midst of a storm, or, even deeper, the thoughts the enemy will try to get you to have about your situation(s).  A constant pursuit of Christ; however, will bring joy regardless of those thoughts and emotions.  I would say, that my joy has been on point lately. But, my emotions have been all over the place, and I guess I have been trying to figure out why.  Well, here’s why.

The struggles that are at the forefront of my life right now (physical health, getting a new job, finances) are emotionally distracting me from the deeper problems that are present as well.  That probably sounds weird, but let’s just say there are emotional/spiritual struggles I didn’t even know I was dealing with this entire time, but they have been affecting me and affecting how I react to the struggles I have been very aware of. One of those, is a battle of self-hatred that I have been dealing with my entire life.  This is a wall (or several walls) that God has been trying to break down for years.  I was listening to a worship song called “Spirit Breakout” by Kim Walker-Smith that talks about Holy Spirit coming to break our walls down, when Holy Spirit revealed to me that this was a huge wall that I needed to let Him break down.  I definitely thought I was mostly done with self-hatred, but God showed me this weekend that I still don’t think highly of myself, like, ever. BUT, He also showed me how I can finally get through this struggle.

God delights in me. (And you, too!)  He beams with joy at the thought of me.  He made me in His image and likeness, which means that the way I am, in His eyes, is already perfect. My constant self-harming, nit-picky, self-comparing thoughts about how imperfect I am are only acts of the enemy.  Especially since I have given my life to Christ and have been determined to serve His Kingdom every day, I know Daddy God is especially proud of me.  And He cares so deeply about me.  How beautiful, right?

So, now I just have to remind myself of this every day to start to fight the enemy in this self-hatred battle.  It has to be more than an internal thought reminder, though.  It has to be spoken aloud and declared, because the power of life and death is in the tongue.

Psalm 18:19 “He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.”

Current season.

Lately my mind has been filling with thoughts of what is going to be next for me. I graduated from college last May with a bachelor’s degree in journalism. All through out college, I was convinced that I was going to be a reporter. And right up until March of my senior year. Then, God woke me up, and He made me realize that wasn’t going to be my life for many reasons.

Reasons:

1.) I’m not passionate about the news. I was trying to make myself passionate about it in school, but if it was out of sight, it was out of mind. And now, I hate it. It’s nothing but depressing and invasive of people’s personal lives, and I want no parts of it.
2.) My health wouldn’t be able to take it. My chronic pain and the rush of news does not mix. (Mind you, neither does being a technician at one of the busiest Apple stores on the East Coast…more on that later.)
3.) It’s just not the calling God placed on my life. I follow Him. Enough said.

Anyway, in seeking God, He led me to stay with Apple until further notice. I continued as a part-time sales specialist throughout the summer, and picked up as many hours as I could to make all the bills. Then God led me to seek a Genius Bar position at another store, which was full time. I got it. It was perfect. It was ten minutes away from the apartment I was moving to, it was full-time, which meant health benefits and a steady income, and it was a slight pay increase. God just knew what He was doing. Of course, since He is God, He doesn’t reveal all of what He is doing right away. At the time, I thought my calling would be with Apple and I had all these career aspirations and things I could imagine myself doing with the company. I guess, now I realize, I was selling myself short. God knew that, but I didn’t. He knew He had a short mission in sending me to this new store. To get me on my feet, to the doctor, to the church He was calling me to, and to meet the love of my life. I couldn’t be happier with these things.

But now, now I can feel the next transition creeping up on me. Being a technician was much more than I expected, and really made me realize how bad my back is. I can’t work in this constant standing and moving environment. Also, I’m underpaid and overworked. I can’t make a life for myself like this. I’m worth more than this, since I have a degree. I don’t want to spend another day in a retail environment. And the negative feedback I’ve been getting about my performance lately, despite how much effort I put in, is definitely a sign that its time to move on.

So lately, it’s been a lot of praying and faithfully waiting for God’s next direction, while trying to fight off the enemy with his thoughts he’s been trying to get me to have. (you’re wasting you’re time, you’re not good enough, you’re never going to get a new job, you wasted time after college and now you don’t have the experience you need to get a new job…etc, etc.) Now, I know all of this is far from true, and my faith I’m God is far superior than what the devil THINKS he can do. But I do find my patience growing thin as I anxiously wait for the next thing and for my healing from my chromic pain.

So here’s how I’ve been working on enjoying my current season:

1.) loving my man. He makes everything better. He takes care of me, makes me laugh, treats me to things I wouldn’t treat myself to, and we seek God together. What more can I ask for?
2.) enjoying my short commute to work. I mean, 10 min? What’s better than that? Oh, and I have a car now. Which makes my life so much more productive and convenient.
3.) finding the benefits of an inconsistent work schedule. Meaning the days I’m in later, I try to really enjoy my mornings and taking time to get ready.
4.) church. By the grace of God, I get every Sunday off. And my church is amazing.

My time is coming soon. I know that. And with His peace and His presence, I know everything is working out for my good. (Romans 8:28)

What do you do to enjoy your current season while waiting patiently for the next one?