Fallen.

I’m so emotional today. Like…I feel like I’m oddly emotional. Like I’m going thru something I don’t really know I’m going thru. Maybe it will come to me in a dream.

Recently, well, just always, my pain is..unbearable. I don’t know if that’s the right word. Because I do end up bearing it every day with the amazing strength of The Lord. It’s like I honestly don’t know how I do it. Even sitting here. How am I doing this? How am I writing this down? My head hurts and my leg is definitely doing its burning/aching thing. No matter where I turn or what I do, my back will always hurt. It gets in the way of the freedom of my happiness. The freedom to do the things I want to do. Like play tennis, run, even the way I fool around with my boyfriend. I can’t do any of these things. Which, to me, is ridiculous because it hurts even when I’m staying still so what the heck is the difference?

I don’t know what’s worse. The pain I go to bed in or the pain I wake up in. This morning…and the whole day it’s been horrible. But I’ve felt horrible about being upset about the pain, because today I found out that another HU student passed away. Which was odd because I had a mini dream about ten minutes before finding out about my friend Alonzo who was killed a year and a half ago. All due to gun violence. And even tho I didn’t know him my heart is just so heavy because I’m so tired of violence killing such innocent and amazing people. My God sister, Alonzo, other fellow Howard students and people in the black community. I mean, when will it ever end?! It’s just so horrible.

So many emotions. Guilty, for complaining about pain when I’m just so blessed to be alive. Saddened for people affected by losing loved ones to violence, grieving for Brittany and Zo, so in love with The Lord and eager to serve Him more and more.

I honestly want to cry. So so much. But I guess I feel like that would be stupid? Annoying? Negative? I don’t know.